borderline personality disorder (301.83) is a condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotion. this means that people who experience bpd feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event. this difficulty can lead to impulsivity, poor self-image, stormy relationships and intense emotional responses to stressors. according to the diagnostic and statistical manual diagnostic framework, some key signs and symptoms may include: frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family, unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization ("i'm so in love!") and devaluation ("i hate her"), distorted and unstable self-image, impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, self-harming behavior including suicidal threats or attempts, periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days; chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger often followed by shame and guilt; dissociative feelings. risk factors for bpd include: abandonment in childhood or adolescence, disrupted family life, poor communication in the family; sexual, physical, or emotional abuse.


6. don't you ever stop? it's too much.

7. you don't deserve that any more. bad children can't have nice things.

8. you did it on purpose. i watched you. what have you got to say for yourself?

9. do your teachers find you as exhausting as we do? why should we waste money on that school if you're too stupid to accomplish anything?

10. you aren't ill. you aren't staying home from school.

11. i hope you know what you're taking on, letting andy spend the night.

12. if you're home early because you've been excluded again, i fucking swear down, andrew

13. you did this. you made them hate you. they only liked the attention anyway. they aren't your real friends.

14. has anyone ever told you what a wanker you are?

15. you text too much. let me fucking breathe.

16. you're a liar. you can't even see the marks any longer.

17. i know that i promised to allow you access to your trust fund if you finished sixth form, but university is better.

18. fuck you. fuck me. fuck everything. fuck off. don't go. please don't go.

bipolar i disorder (296) is an illness in which people have experienced one or more episodes of mania. to be considered mania, the elevated, expansive, or irritable mood must last for at least one week and be present most of the day, nearly every day. during this period, three or more of the following symptoms must be present and represent a significant change from usual behavior: inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, decreased need for sleep, increased talkativeness, racing thoughts, distracted easily, increase in goal-directed activity or psychomotor agitation, engaging in activities that hold the potential for painful consequences



17. the pills don't have names, just colours, a kaleidoscope in your palm, each finding it's mirror on the opposite side.

19. they laugh when you tell them that you don't need to sleep, that time is an illusion. you explain your presidential pardon as you stand on a table. they applaud, wanting in on what they think is a joke.

20. you buy a pony online, with your brother's credit card. when they call him to confirm, explain your plans to breed race horses, explain your documentary.

22. she's in town, but you aren't speaking. your calls go unanswered, but you know you deserve this. you sneak out of one house to walk to another. when you reach her building, the doorman recognises you, wonders how your feet got so bloody.

24. you pull over the car on an overpass, and she tells you that it isn't funny. you straddle the wall, one leg dangling over the side, then the other. you try to stand, watching the semi-trailer truck speeding towards you in the darkness. it's so close, you can reach it -- all you've got to do is jump.

26. they suggest changes to the song. you leave long enough to return with a hammer, knocking holes into instruments as reminders. your music, your band. yours, yours, yours. they are nothing without you.

the depressive side of bipolar disorder is characterized by a major depressive episode resulting in depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure in life. the dsm-5 states that a person must experience five or more of the following symptoms in two weeks to be diagnosed with a major depressive episode: depressed mood most of the day (nearly every day), loss of interest or pleasure in all (or almost all) activities, significant weight loss or decrease or increase in appetite, engaging in purposeless movements, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, diminished ability to think or concentrate, indecisiveness, recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation with or without a specific plan, a suicide attempt.


18. you finish one bottle, then two. three and four empty quickly and you look for something stronger. the flat is loud in its emptiness, but she's too busy to bother, so you have another. you lose count.

21. you ignore the knock on the door, ignore when she crawls into bed with you.

23. the handrail is covered in the white tipped garland she always used, white lights gone blurry. you reach the top of the staircase, but your hand still slips.

25. you watch yourself smile, watch yourself laugh, watch them see the lie. you lose the day and wake up beside her, or her, or her. you will her to go, knowing that there's nothing to be done, no reason to try. she says love and you hear yourself echo.

27. you sleep every moment you aren't on stage, in the bus, backstage, on the floor of your hotel room, but it never seems enough. anything to save enough of yourself to make it to the next show. anything to avoid questions: what's wrong with you, mate. anything to forget the laughter they hide: what's wrong with you, mate.